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There has been so much going on since my last blog.

Every time I was about to post my comments on how poorly this country is being run, blow me, another member of the government would go and pull one out of the bag to claim top spot.

There's been the budget, or fudge-it, this week.  Alistair Darlings effort to put right everything that he's been doing wrong up 'til now, by taxing and blaming the rich.

It's official, we're in debt to the back teeth for the next 50 years.

Of course, it wasn't the rich who defaulted on their home loans.  It wasn't the wealthy bankers who took out as much credit on their credit and store-cards as they could or couldn't afford.  The over borrowing was by greedy "entrepreneurs" looking to make a killing by becoming property developers and buying more houses than they could afford, so that they could watch morning tv to find out how to do them up and sell them for a profit...

"Sleaze" and "Labour" are now similes in most dictionaries.  This week, Gordon Brown attempted to defuse the Expenses slur, by trying to force through a commons vote that would back a daily allowance for MP's for each day that they showed up at work.  Irrespective of how long they actually stayed.

The picture above, shows the hapless Hazel Blears walking out of 10 Downing Street with an internal memo in full view of the worlds press, in a similar manner to Bob Quick, who had to quit over this particular faux-pas.

Despite ordering a parliamentary report into expenses, the ever vote-conscious Gordon has decided to go it alone and draught his own proposals.

The memo highlights Browns plans for a daily allowance.  One of the notes Hazel has made to her copy is to underline the words "actual attendance", referring to the need for MP's to actually turn up in Westminster to be able to claim for actually turning up!.  I can imagine the cabinet meeting going thus:

Gordon:  So there you are.  Those are my proposals.  Any questions?

Hazel: (Hesitantly)  Yes, Gordon.  Where it says "actual attendance", does that mean that MP's will actually have to come here in person to claim a daily allowance?

Gordon:  Yes.

Hazel:  Does that include cabinet ministers?

Gordon:  Yes.

Hazel:  Hmmm. (Takes out her pen, which she claimed for on her last stationery expense claim, and underlines "actual attendance" to remind herself of this tricky new legislation).  

I am totally against this idea.  Actually, I am in favour of the receipt system currently in operation.  However, there are certain changes that need to be made.  Second homes should not become the property of the MP's to sell for a profit (or otherwise in todays climate).  Since the taxpayer has been paying all of the second home mortgage, it is they who should take any profit from the subsequent sale.

Similarly, any assets bought on receipts, must remain the property of HM British Taxpayer, when the MP is booted out of office.  Including pens and pencils.

Gordon's tactic of rushing through a new expenses format was shot down in flames by the Tory and Lib-Dem leaders immediately.  It seems likely that a compromise deal will be voted on on Thursday.

Ed:  Damn!  See what I mean!  In between saving this blog and uploading it, Gordon "Can't decide for toffee" Brown has changed his mind on the expenses AGAIN!

The police are looking into allegations that MI5 were complicit in the torture of a terrorist suspect.

A commons standards committee is launching a probe into the expense claims of a government minister.

Paddington Bear is investigating claims that someone stole all of the marmalade sandwiches.

Is there a common link in the above statements?

It doesn't take an Einstein or someone who doesn't read the Daily Mirror to realise that these investigations are not completely independent and not wholly without prejudice.

We all know how the police closed ranks following of the "murder" of Jean Charles de Menezes, how soft and fluffy the feathered bed of Whitehall is and that bears are partial to a bit of Golden Shred.

So it should also come as no surprise to learn in many months time and at much unnecessary expense and cost, that the final outcome will be that "whilst all roads of enquiry lead to a systemic failure in human rights/parliamentary procedures/fridge security* there is insufficient evidence to prosecute any individual in relation to this matter".  Case closed.  Scoff scoff...

Whilst writing this piece, it has been reported AGAIN that a government minister has been caught out fiddling their expenses.

This time, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith (see below) was caught out trying to claim for "rented" porn movies, viewed as part of a TV package.  She has immediately used the standard Labour mantra, "I haven't done anything wrong", as apparently it was an oversight, and she has promised to repay the money.

It's not so much that these MP's are claiming for everything that they buy (which is what normal people use their salary for), or that she even claimed for this in the first place, it's the fact that there could be millions of pounds of other claims that have gotten through the net undetected!

So she has offered to pay it back which makes it alright.  Don't these people live by the same rules as the rest of us?  If I dodged a fare on the tube, missed an item off my tax return or walked out of a shop without paying for something, I could not offer to pay at a later date and expect to get away scot free!  This sucks on more than one level.

A passenger focus group reported today that "Rail fares in Britain were up to 50% higher than those in Europe".  No sh*t Sherlock!  How much time, effort and money has been spent collecting this data and announcing the results?  I could have done this in an afternoon!

It's not new news and it's not rocket science to report that everything in Britain is more expensive than in Europe.  How do these people get onto these committees?  I want to be on one that is investigating whether it is warmer in Bahrain than in Manchester.

Meanwhile, Labour Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is still adamant that it is OK to claim a room that she "rents" whilst staying with her sister is her main domicile, so that she can claim over £116000 in expenses on her second house, where her husband and kids live.

Claims that she has had this arrangement OK'd by the Standards Committee fall on deaf ears as everyone knows that they are just as crooked as a dogs hind leg.

It's official.  Ed Balls MP, the Schools Secretary has announced that this recession (or depression, according to Gordon Brown) is the worst for 100 years.

What is wrong with these people!?  Just recently, the Government was telling off the opposition parties for trying to drag-down the state of the economy and make it worse than it actually is.  Now, a junior minister has come out with a statement likely to shake an already fragile market.

Who the h*ll does he think he is and how does he think a statement like this is going to help anyone?

In another part of La-La land, also known as Westminster, a committee of MP's are sitting to grill several bankers to establish who is to blame for the collapse of the banking system.  It appears that MP's are quick to criticise easy targets, but slow to hold inquiries into their own misgivings.  (War in Iraq, Cash for honours etc).  But let's not forget who is ultimately in control of the financial system.  Financial regulation is down to MP's and Government officials.

  If bankers are to blame for bringing down the economy, then MP's are to blame for letting them do it!

It has been announce today that several Lords are unhappy about the degree to which British citizens are spied, watched and covertly intruded upon.

This is an ongoing problem.  Not a week goes by without a so called "breaking story" stating the blindingly obvious.

Normally, I would just agree with their concerns and go about my business.  But this reminds me of one of my greatest pet hates.  (And I don't mean Iguanas and snakes).

The Lords are complaining about intrusion laws, but in our democracy, all laws passed by the Government have to be ratified by the Lords.  Therefore, it is the fault of the Lords in the first place for letting any legislation through Parliament.

It always angers me to see an MP on TV spouting on about the need to change some law.  YOU'RE AN MP FOR F*CK'S SAKE, JUST DO IT!!  Don't go whining to the British public about something that you are in the perfect job to actually do something about!

In other news today, Jeremy Clarkson has been criticised by Scottish MP's for calling Gordon Brown, a "One-eyed, Scottish Idiot".  As I may have mentioned previously, I am not a lawyer, but to be prosecuted for slander, it has to be proven that you have not told the truth.  Is Gordon brown "monocular"?, Yes.  Is Gordon Brown Scottish?  Yes.  Is Gordon Brown an idiot?  Yes.  Case dismissed.

In case you've just got back from a holiday on Mars, you are probably aware of strange happenings in the wonderful world of finance.

For years, the banks of the world have made profits lending money that they didn't have, to people who couldn't afford to pay it back because they were never likely to get it either.

Slowly, the banks started to realise this and stopped lending money to the public and to other banks.

This was the credit crunch. 

In stepped Gordon "Save the World" Brown.  Who decided to give the banks billions of pounds from the British taxpayers reserves, (without asking them first, of course), so that the banks could then lend it back to them for a tidy profit. Gordon Brown claimed to have saved the day.  It was his policy that was being repeated around the world and he was about to save the world!

Nothing happened.  So more money was poured into the banks.  Still nothing happened.

Now, with all the money gone.  Nothing has changed.  Super Gordon proclaims:

There is no clear map...  ...to deal with (this crisis)

Brilliant!  Thanks Gordon!  All this time, we thought you knew what you were doing, but all along you were just playing with our money!

I know it's a bit late, but here is what I believe should have been done...

At the start of the Credit Crunch crisis, the British Taxpayer should have been given a reduction in their income tax instead of giving the money directly to the banks.

The public would then have used the money in 3 ways, each working to solve the problem.  They could have used this money to...

1.  Pay off some of their debts - This not only helps the taxpayer, but the money goes to the banks who need the flow of capital.  I am not in favour of helping bail out those who were stupid enough to get themselves foolishly into debt, but this way helps ALL taxpayers.

2.  Save the money - This money goes straight to the banks to help with their cash-flow.

3.  Spend the money - This helps small businesses who need the income and gets the high street shoppers spending again.

If one or two banks go under, that too would not be such a bad thing.  The loss of investment bank, Lehmann Bros, in the US has not had a dramatic effect on the world economy.  Maybe it would have given a gee-up to many British bankers if they had realised that their bank could also go under.

This is one of Britain's highest ranking policemen.  He is in charge of anti-terrorism in the UK.  He is the assistant commissioner of the Metropolitan Police.

He is currently in charge of an inquiry into a leak of parliamentary documents, during which proper procedures were not followed, a cabinet minister was arrested and the speaker of the House claimed "he knew nothing" and let officers search an MP's office without a search warrant.

On Sunday, he accused the Conservative opposition party of a vendetta against him...

The Tory machinery and their Press friends are mobilised against this investigation...

I am not a libel case expert.  But I could see immediately that this argument was flawed.  Small things like the lack of evidence (which admittedly doesn't normally get in the way of normal police work) tended to sway against him.

Remarkably, he also made a comment about corruption, but withdrew this immediately.

The writing was inevitably on the wall and on Monday, obviously with pressure from all sides, he "unreservedly" apologised.

It remains, however, that a senior policeman was able to make unfounded allegations against a political party and expected no comeback.  What a Muppet!  (My unreserved apologies to Kermit and friends).

The farcical arrest of a Tory minister by Police last week showed how low the current Labour Government is stooping to slur the Opposition.

Whilst the ousted failed Met Police Chief is away pending a replacement, his colleagues have conspired to over-dramatise a Government leak by arresting a Politician when a simple search warrant would have sufficed. 

Welcome to Gordon Stalin's Britain.

Ex Met cop, the knighted Sir Ian Blair was forced out by the fire breathing Boris Johnson in a reversal of the traditional roles.  Was this arrest the dying throes of a failed bobby?  

An investigation is now underway by the Chief of the Transport Police.  Wasn't the Chief of Toytown police available?

No 3:  People with Umbrellas

It rains in London, like most other places.  However, when it does, out come the umbrellas.  Out of nowhere.  Huge f*ck off umbrellas.  Some the size of a small marquee.

No-one was carrying an umbrella on the train this morning when it was just cold and windy.  But now everyone is on their way home, and there's a cloud-burst, out they come - Corporate golf umbrellas, Huge City trader umbrellas, Big investment bank umbrellas...

I don't have a phobia of umbrellas - I sometimes use one myself in certain circumstances.

The thing that annoys me, is that people use these things like weapons.  People with umbrellas look on those without, in the same way that a motorist looks down on a cyclist.  "Oh dear, didn't you see the weather forecast this morning? If you had you're own umbrella, you could push other people's umbrellas out of the way!".  Instead, not only am I nice and dry, but I'm going to rub it in by taking out your eyes with my pointed octagonal weapon of mass destruction.  Darwin suggested survival of the fittest.  This is carried out by people with umbrellas weeding out those not clever enough to have foreseen that it was going to rain.

Similarly, umbrella users have no concept that non-umbrella users might be avoiding the rain by walking under eaves or through arched walkways.  Instead, these selfish (already dry) people insist on also walking against the shelter of the office building, forcing others out into the rain.  "Don't mind me, I'll just walk out here in the gutter".

No 2:  London Underground

I have already mentioned the lower than normal mental ability staff who work for London Underground.  Those that think it is OK to stand chatting with their colleagues at the barriers, whilst 500 people are trying to force their way through one working barrier.  (Or even standing in the way of the barriers, chatting to some tourist about the best way to Trafalgar Square - Get out of the f*cking way!). 

I have not used LU for some time.  It's expensive.  It's hot.  The tube map lies.  A recommended connection by foot between two stations near the Bank station, which should be a short distance, involves walking nearly half a mile first up several escalators and stairs and then back down again, along long passageways, through more barriers eventually arriving at a station that is only one short stop from where you wanted be anyway.

Why do people always seem to walk so slow along reduced width passageways at peak times.  "Ever wondered why it's called RUSH-HOUR? - A**hole!"

No 1:  Pretentious London

The price of everything in London is expensive.  Why?  I can understand things being expensive in the Scottish Islands, high transport costs.  But in London?  Economies of scale dictate that delivering 2000 of one particular item to the City should make it cheaper.  Wrong.  Let's fleece Joe Public, they can afford it.  Not for much longer matey...  One or two less pretentious coffee shops with overpriced individual biscuits in cellophane wrappers won't be missed.

Soon London will become the centre of attention with the Olympic Games in 2012.  This is where the Olympic dream turns into a nightmare.  The City's public transport system will be shown up for what it is.  Shambolic.

The current economic woes have been partly blamed on rogue City traders.  Good luck to those in the City who have bought their massively overpriced one-bed sheds for £600,000, which are now worth half of that.

I must admit a conflict of interest.  For the past 15 years, I have been involved in building more office blocks for more and more people to come in London.  This City needs to be decentralised.  The main industry in London is finance.  This can be done from your own living room at home.  There is no need to commute for an hour to sit at a desk for a whole day, buying an overpriced brie, lettuce and Malaysian chicken sandwich at lunchtime for the equivalent GDP of Iceland, then commuting home again on an overcrowded train, when it could have been done from a trading estate in Carlisle.

I'm out of it now, for another 10 months at least.  The End?

No 6:  Free newspaper distributors

Don't get me wrong.  I like the idea of a free paper in the morning and two in the evening.  It beats the boredom of sitting on the train for hours on end.

What I dislike are the armies of strategically placed newspaper distributors on every street corner trying to thrust a paper into your face!

Even if you have already collected all of the available papers and are walking down the street waving them madly, the distributors will still try to offer you a spare one.

There are people trying to offload their papers at each end of London Bridge in the evening for example.  No-one can get on the bridge halfway along.  If people have refused a newspaper at one end of the bridge, why on earth would they want one at the other end?

No 5:  Traffic Wardens

No arguments to be made that we haven't already heard.  These people are the scum of the earth and shouldn't be allowed to breed.  Where do they park their cars or scooters?  (For free, at the council office car park, of course).

No 4:  Railway Staff

This includes underground (strike crazy low-life) and over-ground (Nazi neo-fascists).

There are posters around the main railways stations with made-up pictures of staff abused by members of the public stating "We're here to help you - don't take it out on us".  The poster should be of a passenger standing in front of a departures board reading "Cancelled, Delayed", with the caption "We pay your wages - Don't f*ck us about".

Top 3 coming soon...

The UK economy is slowing...

It will be a difficult year ahead...

I refer the Honourable Gentleman to the title of today's blog!

The Chancellor has also forecast that growth of the UK Economy will be between 2.5% and 3% this year, whilst economists predict this figure to be nearer 1.3%. 

When quizzed on the apparent discrepancy between his own and "proper" economist forecasts, he stated that he would have another look at his figures.  D'uh!

Friday the 13th was not a good day for Gordon Brown and his cronies.  Just a week after the anniversary of D-Day and that other invasion of Europe, the Irish people have voted democratically to reject the Lisbon Treaty.

However, Milliband whilst admitting that the Irish vote demands respect, continues to suggest that the Treaty will go ahead.

• No 8:  Policemen abusing their authority

This is a typical picture taken on any day of the week.

A policeman casually walking back to his van to begin his long day at work under pressure to fight crime and its causes...

EXCEPT:  His van is parked on the zigzag lines of a pedestrian crossing and he has just walked out of a corner shop carrying the Saturday papers.

A complaint has been made to the Metropolitan Police.

Boris Johnson has won the London Mayoral election, ending eight years of tyranny.  With the Lib Dem candidate coming third and Sian Berry (Green Party) barely earning more than the BNP candidate, Boris has a mandate to change London for the better.

Farewell to those people that said that they would be leaving London if Boris won.

What does it feel like Ken, to have been beaten by "a buffoon"?

• No 10:  London Bridge

I have to walk over London Bridge twice a day.  Unfortunately, in the opposite direction to the